The journey of learning to love myself has been a rollercoaster, to say the least. It was full of twists, turns, ups, downs, and unexpected breakdowns. I will never lie and say that learning to love myself was easy or that it was an overnight process, because it wasn't. There were so many reasons placed in front of me that made it hard for me to see the light inside of me. I felt judged, alone, and unlovable because everything that I felt towards self was based around what others saw and felt towards me. I leaned into the voices that hurt me the most because that's where I found false comfort, because it was what I had grown used to. Growing up around a woman that unknowingly hates herself and is mad at the world is infectious, especially when that person refuses to acknowledge that, and instead projected that hatred onto me. I was told that I was never good or smart enough but was smart enough to know better. I was told that I was beautiful but that my beauty shouldn't be expressed, celebrated, or appreciated because then I was conceited or arrogant. I was told that my body wasn't good enough and anytime that I gained even a little weight, it was pointed out in the worst way under the guise of caring love. I was being talked about badly by her and the people around her, while also being told the complete opposite to my face, even though I could hear what was being said. I lived a very confusing and hurtful life from the ages of about 15 through my mid-twenties. Trying to heal in an environment that destroyed me was damn near impossible and it didn't truly begin to change until I was able to be away from that person, other harmful people in my life, as well as negative environments, because misery loves company.
Every day is a new opportunity for me to fall in love with myself all over again. I love myself through all my changes and phases. I love seeing my growth and transformation, and I appreciate myself very much for finding the strength to want to better myself and putting in the work to achieve it. I'm in love with who I've become, and I've also fallen in love with who I was in the past, because I was always deserving of my own love. I'm proud to say that I'm my own best friend and that I mean the world to me. I'm not willing to put myself through the same things that I did in the past when I didn't know any better, because now I know what I'm deserving of and what I'm not. Life has a funny way of showing you the error of your ways and for me, it happened in the form of a recent house fire. That fire changed me in an instant. The ill will, negativity, and hate that I had in my heart melted away in the same way that my shower curtain melted away during the fire. Life is too short to hold onto what doesn't belong or what doesn't matter. That doesn't mean that I don't still believe in accountability and karma, but it's not my place to hold someone captive to their past or their past mistakes, especially when things happened so long ago. In that fire I could've lost my life, my home, and my loved ones, which includes my cats. If anyone knows me, they know that my cats are my life, and I would be heartbroken without them. Being reminded of how life can slip away in an instant is a lesson and a gift that will keep on giving because it's taught me to be more present, understanding, grounded, and determined. Symbolically, I'm allowing many things in my life to burn to the ground, so that I can start from scratch and build an even sturdier foundation below me, which in the long run is going to help me to love myself on an even deeper level than I do now.
I honestly want to thank the people around me for giving me the space to fall, to learn from my falls, and to turn those lessons into gold, all while still being willing to get to know me over and over again. I'm never going to be the same person that I was a year ago or sometimes not even the person that I was last week, because I'm constantly evolving. Having such an amazing family (soul family included) and friends has been another way that I've learned to love myself. Having people around me that simply love and accept me for me is such a beautiful experience. I was wounded for a long time thinking that I wasn't good enough and that no one would ever love me for me, but I was wrong, and that was another gift that life gave me. I live such a fortunate life, even though it may be hard to see at times, but that's my truth and I'm going to always walk in my truth. To many of the people of my past, I genuinely apologize to you for my actions while I was in survival mode, and I also forgive you for yours. We're human and we're going to make mistakes. I'm not God and I have no right to judge you, and I've made peace with that. I looked up and saw 333 and if you know, you know. To the others that aren't included in my forgiveness, I'm not there yet and maybe I'll never be, and that's alright. I truly believe that some people don't deserve forgiveness and that's my choice to feel that, and if you don't agree, then that's your decision and I’m no longer letting other's decisions influence mine. I will end this post by saying that I'm happy that I was able to find myself once again because I deserved to be found. I will continue to honor, love, and respect myself. I will continue to hold myself accountable even through the toughest times. I'm truly finding my peace, and nothing is going to stand in my way. Thank you for reading my inner most thoughts<3
A loving affirmation for you:
I am full of love, and I am deserving of showering myself with love. Always.
Comments