I have finally learned the art of taking breaks without worry. Could it be my antidepressants setting in and calming my entire being down? Yes, that probably has a lot to do with it. I've been a panicky hot mess for a long time, and no, I don't mean that in some "cute" "quirky" way. I mean it as in I've been in a constant state of panic due to living life with a panic disorder, agoraphobia, and MDD for the last 10+ years following my previous diagnosis. 10+ years of forcing myself to conform to what I was being told to do because if I look healthy, then I must be healthy, right? Well, it doesn't work like that. Invisible illnesses and disabilities exist, and they are valid. If this pertains to you, then this is your reminder that you are valid and so is your anger, sadness, or disappointment towards the people you've encountered that have refused to take you seriously. Those people that refused to believe you because what you go through wasn't visible enough for their liking. That's how I've felt almost every time I've had to speak up and defend me being disabled. I've been met with some pretty harsh words, actions, and the judgement of many, but you know what... fuck them. I'm done explaining myself and have been done for a long time. Bravery arises in many forms and right now bravery is what I'm embodying. Bravery is seeping into other areas of my life and is inspiring me to face my fears even though I'm scared. I'm scared of not being good enough, of messing up, and even of giving up completely, but no, I'm going to keep trying and thriving. There are so many things that I want to do in life and I'm not going to get them done by sitting around and wishing on a star. My only option is to get up and take action. I have to take matters into my own hands and know that I'll be supported and protected while I venture into unfamiliar waters. I now hear the voices of my loved ones encouraging me to keep going and to "do it even if you're scared." It's comforting. Life doesn't stop for anyone and rather than waiting until I'm old and grey, thinking endlessly about all the "what ifs," I'm choosing to get the hell out of my own way and continue to travel the path that is destined for me; one step at a time, of course. I've invested in so many people and now it's time for me invest into myself and into my dreams. This means big changes for me and for my business. I always want my business to reflect my growth, transformation, and how multi-faceted I am. I've struggled with feeling like I have to be contained in a small box, when I'm truly meant to take up lots of space and make my presence known. I'm shedding my fears scale by scale, layer by layer, and unlocking the deepest parts of myself that have been hidden away for longer than I can remember. It feels good to be coming home to myself. I love this for me.
I just posted a video on all about my most current experience with imposter syndrome and how I'm working through it. It's available on my Patreon, linked here.
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